The World of Janus Morality (Humor)

In this posting, I will take some of our favorite (or in some cases, annoyingly intrusive) American expressions/principles and flip them on their sides.

1) He who hesitates is lost...unless of course he's asking for directions.
2) That which doesn't kill us can only make us stronger...unless of course it paralyzes us
3) Life is unfair, and we believe in this principle so strongly that we set up a system of justice and equality to enforce it.
4) Slow and steady wins the race, which is why that speed-demon crossing the yellow tape right now looks so confused.
5) Do you see the glass as half empty or half full? I see it as both. If it's half empty, by definition, it also has to be half full.
6) A penny saved is a penny earned. Actually, I'm not going to argue with that one.
7) If necessity is the mother of invention, then who's the father?
8) If the grass is always greener on the other side, then what are the people on the other side thinking?
9) Today is the first day of the rest of your life, unless of course it's the day you die (alright, I stole that one from "American Beauty")
10) Practice makes perfect. No. Perfect practice makes perfect.
11) Time heals all wounds, so I guess you can avoid that whole "going to the doctor's" thing.
12) When it rains, it pours. So what is called when there's only a light drizzle?
13) Money doesn't grow on trees...except paper money, which obviously has to come from trees.
14) Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and so is conformity.
15) In this world, you can be anything you want to be (as long as you have enough money)

30 Stages of "Love" (Or Whatever You Want To Call It)

Good morning fellow readers. Today I will discuss (romantic) love and all of its various stages. This is a topic I know nothing about and, quite frankly, I don't care to know anything about it. But I'll give my speculations and observations of it anyway.

Stage #1: It is a crime to call this stage one of "love." It's pure, animalistic lust and we know it, yet we give it a more refined name: "Love at first sight."

Stage #2: Small talk/ Playful prattle/ Flirty body language/ Pointless conversations. If you come upon two people in this stage, don't interrupt. It is like getting between a mother bear and her cubs. In this stage one learns many important facts about the other person: where they’re from, what they like to eat, what kind of crappy TV shows they like to watch, and what their name is (usually).

Stage #3: The Salacious Smile. Enough Said.

Stage #4: A quiet place. This stage is important because it helps isolate you from your competitors and allows you to make things more intimate (or "creepy," depending on what kind of person you're dealing with).

Stage #5: Loving contact. Playful tapping. Holding a person's hand. Putting your hand around or on the other person's shoulder, arm, or, if you're that audacious, leg.

Stage #6: The Look. Need I say more?

Stage #7: The Exhuming Process. Both parties realize that there's a definite spark between the two of them. Several outcomes can result from this: a steamy night of passion, a rich, well-developed relationship, or one person telling the other, “I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to lead you on like this, but I’ve actually been dating someone for the last three years. Can we just be friends?” (To which the best response is a heavy, annoyed sigh followed by a pitiful “O.K. I guess”)

Stage #8: Lump Sum. I would explain further, but this stage is one that has been demonized in every culture that values chastity, prudence, and not receiving a venereal disease or a bill every month for the next 18 years.

Stage #9: Dating. This stage is a period of joy and comfort, and can give both partners an inflated sense of self-worth (of which I know nothing about). It can also unite or drive away envious friends. 


Stage #10: The Double Date: Parallel Joy. Parallel Misery. Parallel Make Out Sessions. 


Stage #11: The "Other": A stage in which we are rudely and painfully reminded that, apparently, there's always someone out there "better" than us. Smaller sub-stages associated with "The 'Other'": "The Unpleasant Encounter," "The Unreciprocated Phone Call," and "The Restraining Order." 


Stage #12: "It's not you. It's me." (Translation: "It's probably you, but I'm not going to say if it is because being indirect and driving you to the brink of frustration-fueled insanity is half the fun.")  


Stage #13: "Something Doesn't Feel Right." The Break-Up's closest cousin, the "Something Doesn't Feel Right" stage  is one of the most exhausting and obnoxious stages, especially for those who aren't actually dating. Experience most similar to Stage #13:  Getting a paycheck at work that steadily rakes in less and less income each week yet never being told why.  


Stage #14: "I can explain [...Oh wait, no I can't]" stage. 


Stage #15: It's "Complicated"

Stage #16: The Break Up. Often romanticized (no pun intended) as being a clean, painless process in movies, magazines, and cheaply produced sitcoms, in real life it is anything but (oh, big surprise). Most common reasons for break-ups: lack of communication, fidelity, or available time and space to “find oneself” (i.e. return to the club scene).

Stage #17: The Engagement. Quickly after the "I miss you so much, I hate you and I hope you die” stage, the two people realize that out of millions and millions of other equally attractive, eligible candidates in the world, they are one hundred and ten percent certain they only want to spend the rest of their lives with each other. It is a glorious and picturesque, dreamlike scene for any one who doesn't realize that this type of phenomenon happens so often and so haphazardly that the number of divorce papers filed every year could probably fill the Sears Tower.

Stage #18: The Marriage. This is the fun part of relationship. This is the stage where you can dress in fancy outfits, eat a bunch of cake, drink champagne, and then go relax on some tropical island you'd never have the money to afford a trip for on your own. Afterwards, it's all downhill.


Stage #19: The Children- Expensive, non-refundable, tax-deductable gifts from God.   


Stage #20: The Affair. Strangely, this stage would probably disappear quickly if all the country club tennis instructors and mousey boardroom secretaries in the world were to do so as well. 

Stage #21- The Divorce Stage- This is the stage when a couple realizes that a marriage usually entails more than a wedding ceremony and a honeymoon.


Stage #22- The Un-Ex-pected Encounter. One ex-spouse awkwardly attempts to reconcile things with the person whom they've abandoned their dreams with and sworn off their vows of eternal devotion to by introducing them to the person who's now taken their place. I'm sure this will go well. 

Stage #23: The Cougar. Promoted by Mike Nichols' 1967 film The Graduate, in which Dustin Hoffman mitigates his post-college malaise by hooking up with a woman twice his age (interesting method), "The Cougar" can also be known as the "Mrs. Robinson" or "Dude, I think your Mom just pinched my ass" stage. Very cool. Right? 

Stage #24-27: These stages don’t need any titles. Simply put: kids grow up, parents move out, and knock-down-drag-out arguments over car bills or broken toilets suddenly become endearing, schmaltzy memories for the aging married couples.

Stage #28: Watching your loved one die.

Stage #29: You yourself dying (and not in the metaphorical sense).

Stage #30*- you meeting the spirit of your spouse in the afterlife relative to what you believed in on Earth (if you're an atheist I suppose Stage #24 is your last step, if you find yourself in Hell you might want to read Dante's Divine Comedy, and if you believe in reincarnation, well, I can't really help you there).


*By the way, it's not cheating if you've both transcended space and time.